


When I was young

by SuperMazeWolf



Series: When I found you [1]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Brainwashed Tony Stark, Brainwashing and torture, Brainwashing gone wrong, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Humor, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Hydra Tony Stark, Kid Tony Stark, M/M, Repressed Memories, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, angst and hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-27
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-06-08 23:03:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 12,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6878392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperMazeWolf/pseuds/SuperMazeWolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anthony Edward Stark's been in the hands of HYDRA since he can remember, and has been assigned to The Winter Soldier since he can recall.</p><p>The Winter Soldier was always fond of Anthony.</p><p> </p><p>(Now with a sequel! http://archiveofourown.org/works/7184759/chapters/16306415)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Age 10

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome, fellow Winteriron shippers.

Age 10

He could think. Tony was reasonably smarter and maturer than kids around his age. He could think, he had to think. "My dad's not gonna pay ransom," he blurted out, involuntarily flinching when the man next to him raised his hand aimed at his face. Okay, so talking wasn't the best method. Bad method, of course, they didn't want to hear anything from the boy they were kidnapping. No talking, Tony kept thinking, for the love of God, don't say anything- "Where are you taking me?" 

This time, the man made contact with his cheek, and Tony flinched. It wasn't bad though, he was used to being slapped.  
That hurt like hell. 

"Compliance is rewarded," the man snarled with a heavy Russian accent, or, at least Tony thought it was a Russian accent, "You will not speak unless we tell you to do so. Is that understood?" Tony nodded quickly and pressed to the side of the car, further away from the man sitting next to him. Okay, okay, he wasn't supposed to talk. He could do that, right? 

They drove for a while, Tony's head swimming with thoughts. His cheek still throbbed, and he could already tell that there would be a dark bruise covering his skin. God, he couldn't cry right now, he wasn't supposed to cry because of something like this. 

"Get out," the man barked suddenly, shoving Tony towards the opening door. Tony scrambled up and nearly fell out, yelping when he felt a painful grip on his arm. "Ow," he whispered, glancing up quickly and getting a glimpse of a brown-haired man with a mask and goggles on. "Soldier, take the child to the cell," the man yelled, motioning his hand in an obscene gesture Tony didn't understand. The brown-haired man nodded and pulled Tony away, who struggled. 

"Ow, ow, ow, that's a bit too tight," he squeaked, feeling his arm go numb, "Loosen it a little bit, please?" The brown-haired man briefly looked at Tony, and behind those goggles, Tony swore he saw surprise. "Please?" He tried again, shaking his arm a little, "It hurts." And the grip loosened just a bit, and Tony finally saw the arm. "Is that a metal arm? That's so cool! What's it made of? What's the power source? Does it hurt? Is it connected to your nerves? Of course it is, this is _HYDRA._ " Tony was being hauled along, but he was blabbering and making the man even more surprised. He liked it. 

\- 

The asset was confused. 

He was usually confused about most things, usually ignored it, but this child was much more confusing than any other thing he had seen. The child was not scared, it was the first thing he noticed. He wasn't scared, just uneasy about the situation he was in, but he didn't find the asset to be a threat. He asked him to do things when most people commanded him to, and asked questions. 

The child was new to him, it was something he'd never experienced in his life.  
Or at least what he remembered of it. 

He pushed it all down, though, he knew that they would put him back in the chair. It was a secret he could keep to himself, he decided, about the questions of the child and such. 

"How long am I gonna be here?" He heard the child ask, snapping the asset out of his thoughts. 

The asset stared blankly at the wide-eyed child. His honey eyes were bright with knowledge and hope, and for a moment, the asset faltered.  
He did not want to crush the hope in the child. 

So the asset shifted his shoulders slightly, almost a shrug, and the child huffed. "Can you talk, sir?" The child asked, poking the asset's chest, "Are you deaf? Was it HYDRA? Are you not allowed to talk at all?" The asset shrugged again. Then shook his head. The child let out another exhale of exasperation. It was almost amusing. "So you _can_ talk, right?" The asset hesitated before moving his head up and down. "Tell me what's happening," the child said, grabbing the asset's metal arm with small, frail hands, "I'm scared. Come on." 

That sounded like an order even if it wasn't intended to be one. 

Besides, the men had told him that this child was to be his future handler. 

"I do not know," the asset mumbled, "I simply listen and comply. I do not have knowledge of what I do." And the child tilted his head, eyes on him like he was the most fascinating thing in the world. "Really? Do you have a name, sir?" The asset shook his head. "Everyone has something they go by, what do they call you here?" "Soldier." "Really? That sucks ass." The asset was almost taken back at the lack of hesitation of such strong language from the child. The child giggled and leaned back, shifting on the metal bed they were currently situated on. 

"Soldier," he heard the familiar voice of his past handler at the door, and the asset turned his head. "Ready to comply," he said dully, eyes following the man's movements. "Take the child to the lab. He will fix your arm. Is that understood?" The man demanded, and the asset felt the child tense up next to him. "Yes sir," the asset said curtly, gripping the child by the arm, a bit gentler this time. He could barely make out the words from the child even with his enhanced hearing. 

"Sir, can you call me Anthony instead of child?" The child piped up, making the man whirl around, "I'm not an object, as you can see." The asset saw the child, Anthony, brace himself for the blow that made him stagger backwards. The asset still held him by the arm, and Anthony, despite his cracked lips and bloody nose, grinned at the man's anger. The asset was amazed at the smugness. The man smacked Anthony yet again before barking at the asset to take him away. 

The asset pulled Anthony away, looking down when he gripped the asset's armor with a frown. "Can't you take off the mask?" Anthony asked, blood smeared under his eyes. The asset nodded stiffly, reaching up to tug his mask down. "Goggles too," Anthony rushed. So the asset took it off. He almost felt obligated to. 

\- 

The asset watched intently as Anthony pried a small flap on his metal arm open without causing any pain. His small hands wrapped around the area to still the asset's twitching arm, the tip of his tongue sticking out in concentration. "This might hurt, I'll try my best not to make it hurt," Anthony explained, looking around to pick up small scissors. The asset was confused again. Anthony cared if he felt pain, it was almost... Comforting. 

No, the asset was not to feel.  
But he felt a small spike of fondness strike him. 

"You know, my dad doesn't like me," Anthony started, making the asset cock his head. "Well, he acts like it. He made me make things, though. He told me about you, Mr. Barnes, I recognize you from the pictures. You were Captain America's best friend. That's cool," he rambled, snipping something and adding something- The asset didn't understand the technology. But his ears perked at the names. 

"I'm gonna call you James. I mean, dad said that you died, but I guess that's not true." Anthony paused, and the asset- James, was it James now? - saw Anthony's lips quiver. "Calm down," he heard himself murmur quietly, "It's okay." 

Anthony lookedup at him, eyes wide. "Wow, you... You actually said something comforting." He wiped a tear away and cleared his throat, and James found himself brushing strands of hair away from Anthony's face. He tensed, then relaxed. 

Anthony worked on his arm with a constant smile on his face, and James was confused the whole time. 

He felt emotion, that wasn't supposed to happen.


	2. Age 14

Age 14

Four years, and his father hadn't found him yet. The tiny flame of hope inside of Tony slowly faded out.  
There was a constant tick in his mind, a clock counting every second and every minute of each day. As cliche as it was, he kept small ticks on the wall behind his metal bed, marking the days of how long he'd been in the facility. Reality hit him hard, he was working for an organization that had done very, _very_ bad things.

He was sugar coating that, anyone could tell. 

Tony bit down on his tongue, eyes darting to the gun lying temptingly on the table near him.  
God, it was gonna be useless, HYDRA would bring him back even if he tried. 

He dropped his gaze and stood, only to freeze when the door to his lab opened with a loud-mouthed man blabbering nonsense at him. He caught some words, 'Soldier,' maintenance, cryogenic chamber, yady-yada-ya. Tony tilted his head slightly but followed when the man motioned to him. "I want you to to maintenance on your soldier before he goes on a mission," the man finally managed, and Tony held his breath and clamped down on his cheeks to stop himself from laughing. Then he stopped. "Soldier?" He questioned, rubbing his bruised arms nervously. "The Winter Soldier, you dumb ass," the man snapped, slapping Tony again.

James.  
He remembered James.

-

The asset snapped out of his sleep and stumbled out of the chamber he was in.  
Calloused hands gripped his arm steadily, and a voice rang out.  
"James?" 

The asset looked up, blinking several times as his eyes adjusted to a face, dark hair pushed back and sticking out everywhere, honey eyes dull yet bright with a small wisp of hope. He knew this child. He knew him. The asset knew him, knew him, knew him, knew him-

"Soldier, you have a new mission. Follow your handler," a man said loudly, shoving him towards the child even closer than he already was, and the child put a hand on his back. The child was inches shorter than him, much more thinner and frail, but he was holding the asset up with ease.  
The asset noticed the muscle on his stick-like arms, and he found himself frowning at the bruises and lack of fat.  
He opened his mouth, but closed it again.  
The child looked up, tilting his head. "James, you with me? I'm taking you to the lab, okay?" 

James.  
He knew that name.  
His name, was it?  
What-

He stumbled along, eyes on the child with concentration.  
Anthony.  
A name rang in his head, and his mouth moved before he could stop himself.  
"Anthony." 

The child, Anthony, turned his head, a broad smile on his face. "That's me, bud. Come on, I need to fix up your arm." Fix up your arm. The asset- James- he raised an eyebrow at the remark. 

James or Asset?  
"James, you alright? Come on, sit down."  
James. 

James let Anthony lower him onto a chair, the boy letting out a huff. "It's been four years, and you're going on a mission already," Anthony said, pushing over a stack of papers and books to clear a space for James to rest his arm on. "Arm here, relax," Anthony said.  
Four years? 

So Anthony was 14.  
If he could do math.  
He almost smiled, but he immediately stopped himself. He was a soldier of HYDRA, he was not to smile.  
He pushed his arm onto the table and scanned the papers on Anthony's desk. 

Diagrams of nuclear bombs, blueprints of new bases, and...  
Something. 

"You know, this is weird, huh?" Anthony chuckled, opening a flap and reaching in and carefully lifting a small wire, "You didn't get zapped before your little exit last time I saw you. I assumed that you'd remember everything, but I guess not. What can I say? HYDRA."

Anthony had matured much more than the last time he saw him,  
It made James feel something he did no appreciate.  
Worry.

So James nodded slightly, eyeing Anthony cautiously and refusing to drop his gaze when Anthony stared right back.  
Anthony frowned. "Do I have somethin' on my face?" Anthony snorted, looking back down and rubbing his neck.

There was a scar running along his spine, James noticed, not too old. "What happened to you?" James asked quietly, looking at the other wounds and bruises scattered all over Anthony's body.  
Anthony looked at him for a moment before letting out a bitter laugh.  
James didn't like it. 

"What can I say? Like I said, HYDRA. One wrong look and I'll be flying into a wall. There was this one time I made eye contact with the man who was training me for a year. He kicked my puny ass, the fucker died though." James was yet again almost taken back by his swearing. "A man died?" James questioned, his finger twitching when Anthony snapped a cord. "Oh, sorry, that hurt? Anyway, yeah. There was a raid here, but they used my bomb to kill people." His arm went slack for just a moment. "They killed people with what I made. Kind of made me feel sick." 

James reached up with his flesh hand and squeezed Anthony's hand.  
He didn't know where it came from, but when he saw Anthony look up and almost _shyly_ smile at him, he felt something warm. 

"Go complete your mission, soldier, come visit me if you can."


	3. Age 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to 'Always' by Panic! At the disco while reading it. Kind of gave me the feels.

Age 18

Tony had tattoos now.  
One of which was forced upon himself, the words 'HYDRA' scratched into the his flesh just under his jaw. The first time he attempted to remove it, the men had come right back and beat him ruthlessly before forcing it on again, so he found an alternate way to hide it. 

He drew around it, small tattoo needles he specifically designed, to hide the words as best as he could. The men didn't seem to have a problem because he hadn't erased it. So he added more, small, intricate and geometrical designs that were almost machine-like. He didn't have anything to lose anymore, no one was gonna find him. 

Tony flinched visibly when a man grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to the door. "What?" Tony snapped, ducking to dodge a slap. "We need to Soldier to be in peak condition, he came back from a mission," the man growled, raising his hand threateningly. Tony dropped his gaze and stumbled as the man pushed him into the lab. "Thanks for nothing!" Tony yelled, staring as the man slammed and locked the door shut. 

James was gonna be here. 

\- 

James walked into the room, jumping when the door closed behind him.  
"James, sit down." 

He turned his head and saw the boy.  
"Anthony," he said quietly, tilting his head when Anthony covered his mouth. Oh, he was smiling. Was he not allowed to smile? Why was Anthony so nervous? James made his way towards the chair in front of a counter, eyeing Anthony with slightly narrowed eyes. 

He had inking on his skin, under the jaw and spreading to his collarbones.  
And he was covered in more bruises and scars, but his arms were corded with muscle. 

After Anthony walked over and opened a flap, James found himself reaching up with his flesh arm and placing a finger on the ink under Anthony's chin, and the boy startled for just a second before relaxing. "You wondering how I got this, huh?" Anthony asked, clipping a wire as James nodded slightly. "I didn't want to, mind you. 'Course, you know how HYDRA works, they wanna brand you with shit." James almost smiled. "I tried getting this one off," Anthony said, grasping James' hand and leading it up to tiny words that read HYDRA, "Didn't really work. They, uh, forced it back on. Along with other things I'd rather not mention, but, you know, I survived."  
James didn't like the hesitation in his voice. 

"What did they do?" James murmured quietly, eyes darting up to meet honey eyes. His hands curled around Anthony's jaw, brushing his thumb along the small, geometric shapes running alongside of it.  
He felt something, perhaps affection.  
He didn't stop it this time, because Anthony just leaned into it just a bit closer. 

Anthony let out a shaky breath, and James moved his metal fingers to grasp Anthony's fingers. It felt right, although he didn't know quite why. "Anthony, what did they do?" James asked again, and Anthony started to tremble. The boy closed the flap on James' arm, eyes traveling to meet James' eyes. "I... Shit, I just-" And he was suddenly crying, not loud, never loud, just tears rolling down his cheeks with his lips pressed together. 

James felt a pang of sadness he wasn't used to, and he instinctively pulled the boy closer, pausing before moving his hands to hold him. Anthony shook his head slightly, buried his face in James' neck as James stood to give some leverage.  
It hurt to see Anthony like this. James felt the fondness again, the small bits of affection. 

James could feel the wider shoulders, muscled back and arms, his hair unorganized but somehow controlled, and he carved it into his head. This one thing, this one person, he couldn't forget. 

They stood like that for a while, James holding Anthony close as his tears dripped. James' eyes scanned the room, noticing the wall with small ticks on them. He noticed small words carved lazily and sloppily onto the wall, yet there were scratches through them, as if it wasn't supposed to be on there. 

"Anthony, we'll get out," James found himself promising, "I swear."  
He felt Anthony smile slightly on his neck. 

"Just don't forget. Please." 

James swore to himself. It was a mission now.


	4. Age 21

Age 21

Tony squeezed his eyes shut and ran a hand through his hair.  
No, that couldn't be right.

"What... What was the mission?" Tony asked, opening his eyes forcefully.   
"Eliminate Howard Stark and Maria Stark," James said, eyes blank and voice monotone.   
"James, what the hell happened to you?" Tony whispered, his finger twitching when James averted his eyes. "The asset simply carried out his mission," James said, his eyes travelling back up to Tony's face. 

Tony could see the fear in his eyes now, he was coming back.   
"The asset was completing his mission," James repeated, voice wavering slightly, "The asset was completing his mission." 

So his parents were dead.   
Tony didn't know what to say, but the men came into the room and dragged James away, back into the room with the chair.  
Tony vomited into the trashcan near him. 

-

_James couldn't control his movements. That's Anthony's dad, he kept yelling at himself from his head, don't do it. Don't. Don't-_  
James shot into the window and hit Howard Stark.   
The car flipped off the road and crashed into the wall. 

_Don't kill them, he begged himself, Anthony will be mad.  
Sad._

_He gripped Howard Stark by his hair and beat him to death._

_Don't._

_He choked Maria Stark to death._

_Mission complete._

-

Tony didn't know what to do.   
Didn't know what to do. Didn't know what-

James.  
It wasn't his fault.   
He had to get James, he was in the chair.  
God, he had to be there for James. 

So he pushed himself up and stumbled to the door, stepped out and ignored the yelling men and ran straight into the room with the chair.  
James was sitting on the chair, reporting to the men.  
He looked up and stared at Tony.  
Tony stared right back, stared and stared until the men dragged him out of the room. 

"DON'T YOU FORGET," Tony screeched, struggling from the men's grasp, "DON'T YOU FORGET, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"   
James' eyes were still on Tony as the doors closed. 

-

James sat there, staring at the door after his closed.  
 _Don't you forget._  
So he didn't, even after getting zapped.  
Even in pain, he kept thinking.  
He had a promise.

-

So Tony didn't have parents anymore. 11 years, and this was the first time he had actually mourned for such a long time.   
But he could only think about the fear in James' eyes when he reported his mission to Tony before the chair.   
He looked scared. Why did he look scared? Was he afraid that Tony would stop liking him? Maybe that Tony would hurt him? What-

The door opened, and James walked in. 

Okay, so, uh, perfect timing. Shit. 

"James?" Tony asked quietly, hauling himself off of the metal bed. James turned his head slightly, stared at Tony for a long moment. "You with me bud?" Tony prompted, taking a step forward and stopping when James tensed. "What happened?" James said, his voice barely audible.  
Oh.

Tony walked forward and ignored the flinch as he grabbed James' arm. "Come here," Tony said, pulling James towards the metal bed.   
He swallowed hard and pushed James down and made him sit. 

Tony took a seat next to him, glancing at James before saying, "What was the mission, James?" James turned his head and stared, eyes dull. "You already know," James said flatly, a metal finger twitching, "Why are you asking me?" Tony shook his head slightly and gripped James' hand tightly, staring straight at him. "What was the mission, James?" He repeated. 

"I didn't want to do it."  
There it was.  
"James," Tony said, his voice softer, "I'm not mad at you."   
James' eyes darted down, refused to meet Tony's, and Tony put a hand on his cheek. "C'mon, look at me." And James did, lifted his eyes slightly and Tony could see his hesitation. "I'm not mad, okay? I'm just, what can I say? I'm pissed off at HYDRA. It wasn't your fault, 'kay? Don't be mad at yourself. You didn't have any control." 

James bit his lip.  
Tony shook his head slightly. "You're gonna draw blood, c'mon," Tony said quietly, swatting at James' lips with a small smile. James seemed confused. "James, help me out," Tony said, his voice getting a bit more desperate, "I'm not mad. I'm being serious." He ran a thumb along James' cheek, pressing his lips together. "C'mon," he said again, voice cracking. 

James closed his eyes and fell sideways, and Tony put an arm around him.   
"You remembered," Tony murmured, running a hand up and down James' arm.   
James nodded. 

Tony smiled slightly and let himself close his eyes as well.


	5. Age 25

Age 25

The base exploded when a team of agents tried to raid HYDRA.   
Most likely SHIELD, he could see the symbol on the badges before everything when black. 

He didn't wake up to what he hoped to wake up to; He only felt pain and saw a bright light.  
Mostly pain in his chest, and he was strapped down.   
Kept screaming until his voice wouldn't work anymore.   
He could feel a hand covering his, but he didn't know who. He didn't care who, it just hurt. 

-

James was there as the men tore Anthony's chest open, he was holding his hand and nobody stopped him.   
For the first time, nobody cared that James was there, next to Anthony.   
Holding his hand.

Besides, Anthony was thrashing and screaming and doing these _things_ that actually made James uncomfortable. It made him feel sick to the stomach, watching chunks of muscle and flesh get ripped open while blood spilled out-  
He had to stop thinking about that.   
Anthony was suffering.

They were in a small cave, using tools that the HYDRA men grabbed before they made their escape.   
Anthony was still screaming, but the grip on James' hand got tighter before he let out a gruesome, strangled, and gurgling cry.   
His screaming stopped and his body went limp, but James could feel the weak pulse in his wrist.   
He was still alive.

-

Tony woke up to have tubes up his nose, which he didn't appreciate. And he felt something in his chest, it felt painful and almost as if it was wedged in between his _flesh,_ so he let out a grunt and tried to roll over but failed immediately after a wave of pain slammed into him. He felt a hand on his arm, pushing down firmly as if telling him to relax, and he did after he saw a glimpse of pale, grey-blue eyes. 

He opened his mouth to speak but a cough came out instead, making the inside of his head rattle and his chest burn.   
He let out a pathetic sob.   
James intertwined his fingers with Tony's and ran his metal hand over his forehead. It felt good, cooled the heat radiating from his body. 

"What happened?" Tony managed to rasp, regretting it when he nearly fell off whatever he was placed on by coughing. James just shook his head and ran his hand through Tony's hair, just kept staring. "James?" He whispered, swallowing a sob down, "I'm scared." James bit his lip and pressed a hand to Tony's cheek before murmuring, "You got shrapnel in your chest. They, uh..." There was a brief pause. "The men put something in your chest." Tony closed his eyes with a loud groan. No wonder he felt like shit.

Wait.

"What did they put...?" Tony asked uncertainly, finding his voice again, "Where am I?" James just stroked his cheek.   
"James," Tony croaked, "Answer me." 

James looked at him before replying.  
"The base blew up. The men took you into a cave- you're in a cave right now. I- I couldn't do anything." 

Okay, so James was more talkative than usual.   
That was a good, thing, right?   
"It hurts," Tony muttered, his eyes threatening to roll up and make him fall unconscious. James seemed alarmed, he pressed a finger to Tony's cheek bone. "Stay with me," James said quietly. "What's in my chest?" Tony strained, his hand twitching, "What the hell did they put in my chest?" And he started to cough again, wincing every time. "Something," James said, "I dunno. I think- I think they hooked you up with a car battery or somethin.' I'm not a technology freak." Tony tilted his head slightly, stared at James for a moment. "A car battery?" He repeated slowly, his hand moving up to touch his chest. Oh, he felt the wires alright, felt the gaping hole in his chest plugged with something that felt wrong. 

"The hell?"

James let out a barking laugh at that, but it was shaky.  
"You're talkative today," Tony pointed out, moving his hand back into place after another small cough.  
"I remembered things today," James replied simply, "Remembered what communicating was like. And James Buchanan Barnes. I think your screaming made me remember things." Tony let out a huff that could've been a laugh. "That's comforting," Tony muttered.

James shook his head and kept stroking Tony's cheek. "Go to sleep, Anthony. I'll be here when you wake up."  
Tony looked up at James uncertainly, looked up at the ceiling and around.   
"I promise. We'll escape together, remember? It was a promise."   
Tony shifted his head slightly, moved his head up and down slightly.

He closed his eyes.

-

James let out a shuddering breath after Anthony's heart rate evened out, when his breathing evened out.  
He was alive.


	6. Age 28

Age 28

Tony was back in a cell of a HYDRA compound.  
Strapped down.  
On a metal bed.  
With a metal pole through his chest, just under the throat. 

James was holding his hand tightly, eyes wide with fear as the men near him shuffled around and yelled in desperate measures.  
Was he dying? Probably.   
Was it his fault? No. An agent had betrayed HYDRA and attempted to kill Tony, perhaps to stop the manufacturing of bombs and such. But seriously, a metal _pole?_ Even Tony could think of a better solution than to stick a pole through someone's body. 

Oh, he was getting delirious.  
He probably was, because he couldn't even hear his own screaming or crying or whatever the hell he was doing. 

-

James was terrified.   
Anthony was crying while choking.  
 _Crying._

He held his hand tightly, kept his mouth closed but held Anthony's hand too tightly but he needed to contact as much as Anthony did. His usual sharp, honey eyes were foggy and blank, but his mouth was twitching with blood spurting out with every sound he made. It was worse than the explosion in the lab, he wasn't responding. Wasn't screaming, he was just crying and choking on his own blood and spit. 

The men shoved James back, but James clung onto Anthony's hand and ducked down to move out of their way. 

The men had a large syringe, full of an amber liquid that made James uneasy, and they yelled more nonsense before jamming it into Anthony's neck.   
Anthony jerked forward and opened his mouth, but nothing came out.   
James held his hand tighter.

Then they moved around, grabbed tweezers and saws and tools that James usually considered weapons all while holding Anthony in place. They started chipping away at the pole, but the diameter being 3.3 inches didn't help. So naturally they cursed and gripped onto the pole and tugged, and Anthony let out a gurgling sound and squeezed James hand, denting the metal. The pole moved slowly, inched up millimeter by millimeter and Anthony was coughing up something other than blood this time. 

What the hell did they out in Anthony with the syringe? 

Anthony was growing hotter, his whole body convulsing with something and his chest heaved for breath but the pole was in his way. The men ordered James to yank the pole out, but when James refused, they growled in annoyance and used 3 men to hoist Anthony up into the air before shoving something under him and placing Anthony back down on the bed.

The pole shot out like someone had put a spring under it, and Anthony went limp.   
For a moment. 

His arc reactor was still buzzing, but the color was an abnormal shade of tinted green.  
And suddenly the hole in Anthony's chest started sizzling, and some of the tissue started mending and connecting.  
It made James feel sick. 

-

Okay, so Tony was pretty sure they had just injected the new Extremis Tony had been trying to perfect into him. And it wasn't perfected. It wasn't perfect, and that made it even more scarier than the prospect of just having it inside of his body. 

Damn, he was having a great year, wasn't he?   
He still felt a cool hand squeezing his hand a bit too tightly, but Tony didn't mind.

Everything still burned and hurt like hell. 

-

James could remember a guy named Steve.  
He always used to be sick, but they had injected a serum that made him almost immortal and super.

Was that what Anthony had inside of him?   
James held onto Anthony. 

He had to get Anthony out of there, he couldn't risk Anthony almost dying again.   
James paused.

He remembered the first time he met Anthony.  
Remembered.  
Remembered.  
Remembered-

_Mission._


	7. Age 29

Age 29

"I'm biologically the same age as you now," Tony remarked, rubbing his shoulder as he settled down besides James with a screw, "That's weird." James looked at him with blank eyes, and Tony sighed. "Got zapped again, huh? Ain't the best feeling in the world," Tony muttered, opening a flap and staring at the tangled wires and barely functioning power source. "Dear Lord, what the hell happened to _you?_ Don't answer that." 

James just kept staring, and Tony started to untangle the wires. 

"You know, I thought Extremis would make everything easier," Tony said after a long moment of silence, "I was wrong, huh? It feels like I'm always burning. Got used to it though, I guess I have to when I can literally spit out fire. Kind of cool." James let out a small huff that could have been a laugh under certain circumstances, but Tony took that as a win either way. His lips curled up into a small smile until James grabbed his hand suddenly.

Tony looked up, eyebrows raised. "Do I have something on my hand? What's wrong?"  
James kept staring, and Tony grew even more uncomfortable.  
"James, you alright?" 

-

The asset didn't know where it came from. He didn’t realize that he was holding his handler's hand until his handler asked him if he was alright. 

_Anthony._

Something about the man compelled him to wrap his fingers around his handler's fingers, squeeze them and tell him to shut up and kiss him- 

The asset was confused. What were these sudden thoughts? 

"James-" 

James. 

James surged forward and pressed his chapped lips to the handler- no, Anthony's- soft ones, and his eyelashes fluttered slightly as Anthony relaxed after a moment of hesitation. 

His hands moved naturally, curled around Anthony's neck and ushered him closer, ran a hand down to rest on his back, and Anthony shut his eyes and shuddered at the touch. 

That did many things to James. 

He felt Anthony smile just a bit, felt him press his body flush against James' body and sling his arms around his neck. 

James pulled his head away, but close enough to feel Anthony's warm breath and forehead. "I overheard a conversation," Anthony murmured, "About S.H.I.E.L.D trying to retrieve me. And, you know, they're probably gonna send us out for the mission, since, you know, I have Extremis in my system now. And they think that I'm- I'm not in control. I do sometimes, when I see the enemy, but, you know..." 

James understood. He smiled a little, a genuine smile that made Anthony beam at him in delight, and the kissed him once more. "They might not trust me," James whispered, "After everything I did-" Anthony hushed him with another press of his lips. "Trust me, James. Do you trust me?" 

James let out a small breath and pushed his face against Anthony's neck, smiled again as Anthony held him. 

"Yes." 

He pulled away and held his arm out when he heard footsteps, and Anthony fell silent immediately.   
But he was still smiling. 

"Missions, soldiers. It is top priority. Eliminate Steve Rogers, he was found a few months back. They plan to take you, we will not allow it. Understood?" 

James could see Anthony twitch, and he almost hesitated. 

Steve Rogers. 

They both knew him. 

Steve. 

Friend- Enemy.


	8. Age 29.5

Age 29.5

Tony fixed his gunpoint at the building entrance and watched as James inched towards it, silent.   
God, this was gonna suck. 

After Extremis, everything had changed so drastically it was almost _easy_ for Tony to pretend that it was all a dream. He couldn't control his body if he went near his mission, he would freeze up and something else would take over and just ruthlessly eliminate. He tried stopping himself, screamed inside of his head and told him to stop, but the face of a dying man was always the last thing Tony saw before reverting back to himself. 

And now he was assigned to kill Steve Rogers.  
Captain _fucking_ America who had somehow survived the ice. A man who his father admired to the point where Tony had thought of him as an enemy, someone to rival with for his father's affection, and now that he thought about it, it was absolutely ridiculous. No child should have had to envy a _superhero_ for a father's love, it just went to show how bad of a father Howard was.  
No, scratch that, Howard was never meant to be a father. 

The door of the building slammed open and Tony took the shot, pressed on the trigger and watched a man in a black business suit slump onto the ground. James dragged the body to a corner, looked up at Tony who was perched on a watch tower nearby, then dropped the body and into the building. There was a trail of blood that Tony would have to clean up, and he scolded himself for thinking about the blood instead of the dead man. 

His body moved on autopilot though, and Tony had no choice but the comply.  
Wait, no, that wasn't right.   
What-

-

James walked through the corridors of the building, ignored his bloody hand and the alarms blaring. It would be over soon, he told himself, Anthony and he would walk back to the HYDRA compound and go about their lives as they usually did, fixing and enjoying each other's presence. 

His eyes darted around as a loud bang filled the silence, and he saw Anthony walk in behind him.   
Anthony's honey eyes were brighter than usual, almost an orange tint. 

James whipped around, adjusted his mask while loading his handgun. "340 feet above us," Anthony said, his voice flat, "Let's finish this damn thing." James briefly nodded and brushed his arm against Anthony's while walking past, and he saw the other man's lips quirk up in a quick smile.   
He was still Anthony, for now. 

They made their way upstairs, less than a minute, and quieted when Anthony put a hand up. "Mission less than 10 feet. Commence," he said, eyes hardening and face growing slack.   
There it was, the expression James was utterly terrified of.   
James shook it off and nodded, answered 'affirmative' and loaded his gun and stepped out of the door. 

A man with blue eyes and blond hair stared back at him, and the man opened his mouth.   
"Bucky?" 

James frowned behind his mask, and Anthony stepped up next to him.  
"Who the hell is Bucky?" James asked, lifting his gun and pointing it at the man. Anthony twitched next to him.  
Stopped.  
He stopped.  
Something felt wrong, something in his head pounded and he opened his mouth, stared at the man and a name just popped into his head, just like that. Steve, it was- he remembered this man, he wasn't his mission- he was his mission-

He found himself frozen, but then he remembered Anthony's words, and he stopped.  
Stopped, stopped, stopped-

-

Tony's head hurt, felt like it would explode if he didn't do anything, but he didn't know what to _do._ He stared at the face of the man he had envied for years, the man he was supposed to kill, but it just dawned on him that this man was James' childhood friend, a hero, a man who could possibly take James and him home. 

Everything shut down on him and his legs buckled, Tony started screaming out in pain as waves of nausea slammed into him over and over again.   
He felt James gripping his arms, yelling, and he felt another pair of arms hoist him up.   
Who was- what- who-

"Anthony, calm. We're going home, I remembered Anthony, _remember._ "   
James.

_'...S.H.I.E.L.D trying to retrieve me.'_

He could tell he was struggling, the Extremis injected body struggling against his enemy. He yelled out, thrashed and fire engulfed him, but the hands didn't go away. Didn't let him go, but-

"Anthony, please, this is our chance. They'll assume that we're not done, we can _do this._ "   
He listened to James, and suddenly he snapped back into reality.


	9. Age 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hahaha.  
> It isn't all sunshine and kisses.  
> HYDRA COMIN IN.

Age 30

Tony didn't know where he was half of the time anymore, all he knew was that he had to get out of the cage and eliminate.  
The commands were seeping into his thoughts, just overriding all his senses to kill the man who kept checking up on him, and kill the betrayer named The Winter Soldier. 

He didn't even know if he was _Tony_ anymore. He didn't know if he was human or just another machine used by HYDRA.  
He shut his mouth, though, information about the base could possibly leak out without his body allowing it.  
No, that wasn't right.  
He had to give the information, he had to...

-

James couldn't get it back. Couldn't get back the man he used to be, could only remember the man Steve Rogers called 'Bucky.' He knew he couldn't stay with the man, it wasn't part of his mission and he would self destruct if he didn't return with the information HYDRA needed in less than 1 year, but he did it for Anthony.

Or at least the Anthony who was holding on desperately inside of the Extremis-injected body. 

James always visited Anthony, where he was in a containment made of glass made by Anthony himself. Anthony always lashed out, yelled out that HYDRA would not let traitors go, but James just shook his head slightly and put a hand on the glass, where Anthony's cheek would be, and murmured soothing words. And somehow Anthony would stop, just lean on the glass and close his eyes while mumbling something.  


The sound of a door opening made him look up, and Steve Rogers entered the room. "You doing okay?" He asked, leaning against the wall and looking down at James. James shrugged and looked down at his metal arm, tapping his fingers impatiently. "I have to go back," James said, just hoping and wishing that this man would understand, that _Captain America_ would understand, "I can't stay here." Steve shook his head and looked at him with sad eyes. "That's HYDRA speaking, Bucky. S.H.I.E.L.D has it all covered, they'll get you back." 

Steve Rogers could go die in a hole and he wouldn't care, James decided.  
"You don't _understand,_ the men will come, why can't you see that? I will die, Rogers, with or without the enemy. It's in my programming. If I do not report in time, both of us will die. You need to let me leave." 

Steve Rogers looked at him for a long time, and James ignored the hurt in his eyes. He didn't have time to dwell on whether or not he hurt Captain America's feelings. He needed to get back. 

Of course, it was at the exact moment the explosions and screaming started. 

\- 

Tony watched as the woman in the room screamed, clothing catching on fire and burning her skin live. It didn't faze him, didn't even make him flinch and it scared the half-conscious man inside of his head clinging onto the last thread of humanity there was. With a small huff, he swung his arm and slammed it into the glass, over and over again and continued as cracks formed in a neat circle. 

He stopped when he felt pain, and he looked down at his hands to see blood.  
That wasn't right, he was not to feel pain.  
He looked right back up when the door flung open, and The Winter Soldier stood staring at him. 

Eliminate the traitor.  
Eliminate-  
_No, no, no, stop, STOP!_

Suddenly everything hurt, and he let out a strangled shout as the Winter Soldier stepped forward- Was it James? Who was James- What was happening to him? 

A hand touched him and his whole body set on fire, but the hands didn't leave. Tony didn't know what he was doing- 

Tony? Who was... 

-

James pulled Anthony closer despite the sting of the flames licking at his skin and clothing. "Anthony, please," he managed, wrapping his arms around the shaking man who fell to the ground, "We need to go." Anthony shook his head slightly and pushed against James weakly, too weakly to James' liking. "Anthony," he said more urgently, "We need to go. Please." 

James was surrounded by flame, and he could see his skin burning.  
He didn't care though, he had to get Anthony out of there. 

"Anthony, mission report," James said, voice straining, "Mission report, soldier."  
Anthony paused, mouth opening and closing, and then he went limp.  
"You are dismissed, soldier," James whispered, watching in relief as the flames faded away slowly but surely, "You are dismissed. Do you understand?" 

Anthony brought a shaky hand up to James' shirt collar and tugged, as if he was looking for leverage.  
His eyes shifted up to James' face, and his eyes widened in horror. 

"Holy shit- James, what happened?" He rasped, running a hand over James' bared skin as his eyes landed on a large patch of burned skin. "Anthony, we need to go," James said quietly, "I will heal, you know that. We need to go. They'll come here." 

Anthony pulled him close, gave him a kiss that was a bit too uncoordinated and short, but James let a smile slip either way.  
"I'm sorry," he muttered as James slipped a hand under his legs and pulled him into a bridal-styled hold.  
James shook his head. Anthony put his head under James' jaw and stayed, and he looked so small and vulnerable at the moment. 

One mission stood out from all others to James at that moment.


	10. Age 30.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just say that I used to only ship Stony, but then I just found Winteriron and now I ship Stony and Winteriron harder than FedEx? Like damn, Stony or Winteriron, I just want ONE to be close to canon in MCU or the comics.

Age 30.1

Tony opened his eyes to a disorientated feeling swimming around in his head. He turned his head slightly, eye lids drooping dangerously low and threatening to shut, but he forced himself to keep them opened. It was dark, really dark, and he opened his mouth and spit out a small flame and used the few seconds of light to scan his surroundings.  
Was he in a damn cave?  
Tony felt panic closing his throat, and he moved his hand to touch something, anything that was solid. 

Bingo, he felt a metal arm. 

"James?" Tony rasped, breaking into a coughing fit that made the man sitting next to the bed he was lying on stir. A warm hand clasped Tony's trembling ones and Tony heard James shift, a metal hand pressed against Tony's chest. "Anthony," he heard the relief in James' voice, but it was shaking. "James, where the hell am I?" Tony whispered, his voice scratchy and eerily weak. He lifted his free hand and groped blindly for his face, sighing quietly in relief when James leaned into it. The stubbly and smooth-skinned face was familiar. 

"Hush," James said quietly, letting Tony brush his cheek repeatedly, "Save your energy. HYDRA broke into the base S.H.I.E.L.D set up. I don't know where we are right now. I found a small cave, we'll be able to lay low and..." He paused, as if considering. "James," Tony prompted. "Steve Rogers managed to track us with a handful of other agents. They, ah, told us to stay here until they returned."  
That startled a laugh of out Tony. 

James stood and pushed himself up onto the bed Tony was on, sat right next to him and leaned against the wall. Tony let out a small, shaky sigh and pressed himself against James' larger frame, smiling slightly when James draped an arm around his waist loosely.  
"Anthony."  
"Yeah?"  
"You know-"  
"We need to move soon, yeah. Let's enjoy this for just a few moments though, my neck hurts." 

He felt cool hands rub his neck, and Tony let out a small sigh. "You know, HYDRA's gonna find us either way," Tony pointed out, closing his eyes as James curled his fingers along the nape of his neck. "Yes," James murmured, "We have to run while we can. As much as I hate to point out, S.H.I.E.L.D can help us." A pause. "Help you." Tony tilted his head to the side and pressed his cracked lips onto James. 

James relaxed slightly. 

\- 

Anthony passed out soon after the kiss, and James didn't blame him. 

He held Anthony close by him, shifted his body so that Anthony was curled up next to him and half sprawled across his chest.  
He had to stay quiet, the HYDRA agents were up on the surface looking.  
James had only managed to drag Anthony's half conscious body to a small room underground, where Steve Rogers had told them to go.  
He didn't even know if the man was alive, or if the agents had left. All he knew was that Anthony was dying, had been dying for the last week if James had counted right. 

Quite a shocker, really, his arc reactor had been damaged from the excessive heat he produced earlier. There was a vein-like pattern spreading from the arc reactor to his neck, and from the area where the Extremis had been injected through was a black mark meeting with the veins. The only thing he could do was console Anthony and hope for the best, hope that Steve Rogers would be able to find something to help Anthony. 

And if Steve Rogers couldn't, James knew he'd have to take Anthony back to the HYDRA base.  
Even if they'd hurt him and James, he had to. It was the only other option he would have, and he didn't say. 

Anthony would never allow such a thing to happen, even facing death Anthony would most likely refuse to go back.  
So James hoped for the best and ran his hand through Anthony's sweat-ridden hair.  
Hope for the best. 

A loud screech made his eyes snap up.


	11. Age 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter.  
> I had a brick wall in front of me, couldn't write anything long.

Age 31

James shook Anthony awake quietly, eyes on the door.   
The screeching that had started a few weeks ago had not stopped, just kept going and James assumed that it was machines starting up again.   
Anthony was not getting better, his breathing got shallow and sweat more easily and overall was even closer to death everyday.

"Wh..." Anthony's eyes flickered open and James gripped his arm reassuringly with a small 'hush.'   
"Anthony, we need to leave," James murmured, making Anthony lean onto him with a heavy sigh, "You know-" "Yeah, I'm not stupid," Anthony cut him off, his tense voice softening afterwards, "Do we have to go to S.H.I.E.L.D or are we goin' back?" 

James thinned his lips.  
"What do you want to do?" 

Anthony looked at him for a long while in the darkness, head tilted slightly and skin waxy. "I'm not going back there," Anthony mumbled, curling up beside James' side, "I'd rather deal with S.H.I.E.L.D than... Than deal with HYDRA." James nodded, pressed a chaste kiss to the other man's sweaty forehead and brushed strands of hair aside. "Can you walk?" He asked, pushing himself off and holding a hand up. Anthony chuckled weakly and accepted the hand, pulled himself up and stumbled onto James.   
"Kind of."  
"Anthony-"  
"Just support some of my weight, I'll be fine. Remember, scientist? Math?"   
James just let out a fond snort but put an arm around Anthony's waist and let him sling an arm around James' neck. "Mm. Cool," Anthony hummed, rubbing his nose to James' neck. James smiled lightly and started towards the small door. "There might be guards," James warned, "We'll go by procedure." Anthony nodded absently and hummed a response, and James hoped that he had actually understood. 

-

They made it out of surprisingly easily, no guards in sight, although the whole area was scorched and blown up.   
Tony squinted, sunlight making everything white.   
He felt James' hand curl up behind Tony's neck protectively, and he let out a small sigh. 

The Extremis had been a beta, well, barely even a beta, but sure as hell unstable. Maybe that was why it was backfiring, his body was rejecting some of the content he had put in the formula, in result, poisoning his flesh and veins slowly but surely. The palladium HYDRA had used was rusting and also poisoning. He didn't say at first, didn't want to burden anyone although it would probably only hurt James. 

-

Time passed quickly as James ran through the abandoned area holding Anthony.  
Anthony fell unconscious more frequently.  
He had to get them to S.H.I.E.L.D.

-

It hurt breathing at this point.  
Tony could only open his eyes to a slit before flinching in pain.  
He made out an outline of people suddenly rushing forward and taking him somewhere, James right beside him.


	12. Age 34

Age 34

Tony was somewhere dark, and he didn't know where.   
He knew he wasn't conscious, though, he couldn't feel anything but the darkness.   
He wasn't dead. He knew that much. 

Then something flashed, and he was in the arms of something warm.   
Good, he needed warm. He was freezing.  
That wasn't right, he wasn't supposed to freeze, Extremis had made it impossible for him to feel cold. 

"He's in shock," he heard a voice say, ringing inside of his head and bouncing along the walls. Tony wanted to scream and drown everything out, everything was too much for him at the moment, but strong hands lifted him off the ground and held him close.  
"Mm. Warm."   
He felt the person holding him close twitch. 

-

James brought Anthony into a small room and closed the door, glared at anyone who tried to approach.  
3 years had been far too long to keep Anthony in a cryochamber just to 'extend' the time they needed.   
Besides, they had managed to cure the Extremis infection.  
Not the palladium poisoning.   
James knew that only Anthony could find something to fix himself. 

Anthony stirred, and James ran a hand through Anthony's brown locks and adjusted his body to face the ceiling, head on his lap.   
Honey eyes flickered open, and James saw the corners of the other man's lips curl up into a small smile.   
" 'Lo," Anthony mumbled, his eyes fluttering shut again, "The hell happen'?" 

"They cured the Extremis infection," James said quietly, soothing him with small strokes to Anthony's cheek, "And kept you in, uh, they called it a cryochamber. I assume that you know what it is." He paused before continuing. "Kept you in there to buy you more time. Couldn't find a cure for the thing in your chest. I think you're the only one who can figure it out." Anthony nodded slightly. 

"Been thinkin' 'bout that," Anthony rasped, "I gotta make a new 'lement 'f I wanna cure m'self." James chuckled and pressed a kiss to Anthony's forehead. "You're slurring your words," he pointed out, making Anthony snort. "And Anthony, they put somethin' in ya that made some of the veins vanish. Said that it'd give you even more time." Anthony opened his eyes to a slit and raised his eyebrows.   
"Oh?" 

James huffed and pressed a finger to Anthony's lips. "They're gonna give you a lab. Said that they'd give you time to work it out, but if you can't, they threatened to put you back under." "You gonna allow that?" "Course not, you punk." "I am wounded, James." "Shut up."   
Anthony smiled and rolled, his face pressing lightly against James' stomach. "Nice talking to you," Anthony murmured, "You're actually jokin' and shit." James barked out a laugh but fondly folded himself forward to press his forehead to Anthony's head. "I'm gonna wake you soon, you realize," James said, "You gotta work on the shit, although I wish you didn't have to."  
"Gotta let me sleep first," Anthony replied, yawning, "And James, how long-"  
"3 years."  
"3 years in a damn fridge?"  
"Yeah, 3 years in a damn fridge," James confirmed.  
"And Steve Rogers? Captain 'Murica?"   
"Being annoying."  
"You know he's sad. Give 'm a chance."  
"He's been frozen for over 30 years. It makes him even more clingy."  
"At least talk to 'm."   
"Sure." 

James pressed his hand to Anthony's neck, where small, thin lines were slowly forming, and sighed.   
"If you don't make this out alive, Ima kill 'mself and kick your puny ass if there's somewhere we go after."   
"Oh, don't be like that. And don't kill yourself if I don't make it, Jamie dear."  
"Don't say that, then. Swear you're gonna live."  
There was a small pause, and Anthony smiled weakly but genuinely.  
"I'll try. The best I can do r'now." 

That was good enough.  
Not really.


	13. Age 36

Age 36

"And... There we go. Hello JARVIS," Tony said, clapping his hand.  
Please.  
Please.  
" _Good morning sir._ "  
Oh, goody. 

Tony turned his head when a the doors slid open and frowned, watching as James made his way to the floating holographic images floating in the air. "The hell are these things?" James prompted, peering at the screens displayed on screen.  
"Ciao amore mio. This, bellissimo, is the way I may be able to live," Tony said, putting his hands together and spreading them to enlarge the small screen, "JARVIS, give James all access codes. Just in case." " _Certainly, sir. And good morning Mr. Barnes._ " James tilted his head and looked around in surprise, and Tony let out a giggle that he denied. "That's JARVIS, Just a rather very intelligent system. My AI, based on, well, a guy I knew."  
James let out a huff of disbelief but his eyes betrayed his cool. 

"JARVIS, display the model please," Tony called out, looking around and reaching up for a floating data base, "Enhance it by 4." A large 3D map spread across the round table in the center of the room, and Tony smiled. "Take the surface off and enlarge the figure in the center." "Anthony," James said suddenly, "What's goin' on?" Tony looked over at him and laughed.  
"Happy things. Apparently, my dad wasn't the biggest dick after all, although he still is. Left me a model and a video, 'course I tossed the video. He claimed that he knew that I was alive somewhere, and that he hoped that I would, ah, succeed him. And called me his greatest creation, kind of a dick move too." "What's the model about?" "I think it can help me," Tony started, "Find, or, create, a new element to replace palladium." 

"This is what you've been doing for the best 2 years?" James asked, pointing at the holographs and 'new and improved' lab equipment and such, "How are you not dead yet?" "You mad that I'm not dead or something?" Tony joked, prodding at the image on screen with a frown. "Anthony-" "I replaced the palladium every time it rusted even slightly. And extracted some of the chemicals from the thing they gave me to extend my life, made more copies and other shit that's too hard to explain- JARVIS, hurry!"

"You see, Jamie boo-" "Don't say that ever again-" "You see, Jamie," Tony snorted, "Things happen in the span of 2 years- JARVIS, take the first layer off, break everything down into atoms. No questions." " _As you wish, sir._ " "Anthony, talk," James demanded, grabbing Tony's hand with metal fingers. 

"You really want me to explain the physics and mechanics of these things?" Tony asked, spreading his hands out and looking around the room. James chuckled and wrapped an arm around Tony's waist. "Is there a chance that you may survive?" He asked, prodding at Tony's ear with his nose. Tony grinned and kissed his cheek, muttered, "Sure there is," then reached forward and tapped a small hologram.  
"See this? It's the key to making a new element that can replace the shit in my chest." 

James grinned and gave Tony a kiss. "You smart ass, you actually found somethin'?" He asked, pressing Tony closer to his larger frame. Tony laughed and pulled his face down to kiss him again. "JARVIS, is it compatible?"  
" _It fits everything perfectly, sir. May I remind you that you may not find this on the surface of this planet?_ " "It's fine. You know the protocol." " _Yes sir. I'll get it started right away, and may I remind you that you have not slept, if my data is correct, for over 45 hours?_ " "Extremis in my blood, JARVIS. Don't sass me." " _The formula is only slowing your aging process as of now, sir, it does not-_ " "Fine, fine, get it started first." 

James pressed a kiss to Tony's lips again and grinned. "You're gonna make it, punk."  
Tony nodded. "Yes I am." 

"Don't tell anyone," Tony said suddenly, "I don't trust them." James nodded quietly, pressed a kiss to Tony's forehead this time. He still didn't want anyone else in his lab though, he didn't trust anyone other than James.  
Never would.


	14. Age 36.5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Mentions of rape and some mild smut. 
> 
> HAHHA AND BE WARNED NEXT FEW CHAPTERS AREN'T GONNA BE ALL FLUFFY AND COMFORT. YOU ALL MIGHT HATE ME.

Age 36.5

Tony sank down on the couch and let out a small sigh, pressed the heels of his palms onto his eyes. He heard the door behind him close and lock, heard James' concerned huff and a question, "Dragoste, you alright?"  
"Not really, uh, no," Tony muttered, dragging his hand down to drop it by his side. He felt the cool, metal arm press against his forehead and Tony opened his eyes to a crack, smiled when he saw James looking down at him with a worried expression. "You know," Tony murmured, rolling over and pressing to James' side when the other man sat down, "I just realized that I was with HYDRA for 26 years." He paused, and he felt James tense slightly. Tony shook his head and kissed James' neck with after a quiet sigh. "And I just... I need to socialize at one point, right? Gotta tell the other men that I'm gonna be fine, that Tony Stark is back and running or at least _something,_ but I don't know what to say, you know?"  
Pause.

"And my dad used to tell me about Steve Rogers," Tony continued, shuddering at the gentle touch to Tony's waist as James wrapped an arm around him, "Compared me to him. Told me that if I acted like Captain America, if I was like that man, then he would be happy with me. I always envied him, despised him. This guy, Steve Rogers, all he did was make my days worse. And- and, you know, it wasn't the guy's fault, but I just, you know, when I see him or anyone else who likes this guy, I feel almost obligated to avoid them or hate them." 

James nodded and pressed his lips to Tony's forehead, didn't pull away until Tony started talking again. "I try," he admitted, "To talk. Ask favors. I know I can do it, I'm pretty sure my whole life was meant for snarky remarks or somethin,' but I can't. I freeze up and just fucking- You know- I don't know." He wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry at his vulnerability, but James pulled him close and kissed him slow and tender. Then their eyes met, and James stopped, gave Tony a moment to think, say no, but Tony wasn't having any of that.  
It would be the first time he was doing this with consent and control, with a person he loved.  
Maybe it would help push down the bad memories from HYDRA. 

Tony leaned in a bit, meeting James half way and he closed his eyes, turned and smoothly swung his legs around and straddled James' lap and pressed flush against him. James let out a soft sigh that warmed Tony's lips, and a metal arm trailed up and under a thin, black shirt, stroked Tony's spine with a graceful and smooth move and caused a roll of his hips. It made Tony shiver in a good way, made him arch into the touch and he felt a tongue probing at the seam of his lips. 

To be quite honest, Tony had always been terrified of the aspect of sex. It was disgusting to him at the time, possibly because it was forced upon him in the HYDRA compound, but making love to a man he trusted and loved, the only man he trusted and loved, it was like a blessing. It made him feel like he was choosing to feel, choosing to touch instead of being forced to, which indeed he was.  
Tony felt surprised at the quiet sob that escaped Tony's lips, but James held Tony impossibly closer and didn't pull away, and he was grateful for it. 

Tony pulled away for a breath and James lowered his head and, after a moment of hesitation, nipped gently at Tony's neck. It made him moan quietly, which got James going. "I've never done this before," James admitted, licking a bold stripe along Tony's throat. His breath stuttered and he replied with breathless words, "Just let it happen, babe, let it happen." 

By the end, they were both half naked, gripping and rubbing desperately while repeatedly kissing, kissing softly and sometimes roughly. Tongues clashed, mapped out mouths and bodies with hips grinding mercilessly over and over again. 

Tony hummed as his hands went to lower and dirtier places, heard James' breathing quicken, and he slipped his hands under the clothing and experimentally stroked.  
Watching James' expression and hearing the sounds he let out made Tony do it over and over again. 

\- 

They didn't stop kissing even after the small session, kept scooting closer and pressed wet lips together. 

James nuzzled Anthony's neck when he heard him let out a soft sob, held him to comfort and closed his eyes. 

Bad memories were most likely erasing itself, and Anthony was plastered onto James' side like he was the only good memory to Anthony. He probably was, and it made James warm, because, well...  
Anthony was the only good thing that had happened to his miserable life, and he swore to himself that he would never leave. 

Never.  
Never.


	15. Age 38-39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha.

Age 38-39

Everything happened so fast, it was almost impossible for Tony to register.   
One moment he was in the safe house S.H.I.E.L.D had provided him, patching James' metal arm up, and the next he was on the floor, coughing with his head pounding. 

2 years with no movement from HYDRA, Tony should have suspected something was up. Nothing was that easy, was it?   
Worst thing was, he blacked out almost immediately and woke up in an eerily familiar chamber, strapped down to a chair with men surrounding him.  
Okay, so where the _fucking hell_ was James? 

Calculations told him that there was a 43 percent chance that James was in another room, undergoing the same thing Tony was about to go through and a 57 percent chance that he had somehow gotten away without being caught, and the 14 percent was enough for Tony to feel a rush of relief.   
This was going to hurt like hell, and all Tony could hope was that they wouldn't-

-

James didn't realize how much he hated hospitals until he was actually in one. He opened his eyes to a white ceiling, a revolting stench of medicine circling the normally-clean air with loud, annoying and constant beeping ringing in his ears.   
He swung his legs to sit up and tore a needle out of his wrist which was connected to the IV, and disconnected the cords taped onto him before quickly unplugging the heart monitor. 

Where the hell was Anthony? 

The door creaked open and a slightly familiar face peered in, blue eyes bright with a sense of relief and...  
Something. Perhaps it was fondness, and James found it sadly disgusting. 

"How're you feeling?" Steve Rogers asked, shutting the door behind him and stepping into the room. James shrugged and looked down at his metal hand, frowned when a single digit kept twitching. "There was an explosion," Steve Rogers informed, "HYDRA agents." That didn't give James the comfort he was looking for, so he lifted his head and looked at Steve Rogers with a dark expression. "Where is Anthony?" He asked, although it wasn't a request, more of a demand for an answer. "Bucky-" "Rogers, where the hell is Anthony?" James cut him off.

A flash of hurt crossed Steve Rogers' face, but it faded rather quickly. "HYDRA took him. We're looking for him right now-"  
"And who's _we?_ " James prompted, pushing himself up to stand.   
"S.H.I.E.L.D, a group of agents who-" 

Dammit.

James swung his metal arms a few times, forced himself to get used to the ache that usually only happened when there was something wrong in the system, and smoothed his shirt. "Let me go," he said, and Steve Rogers shook his head.   
That made James almost laugh. "Am I under a house arrest or somethin,' Rogers? Let me go."   
Steve Rogers didn't move a muscle, only stared at James as if he was doing something wrong.   
"Fucking Christ, Rogers, I won't hesitate to kill you. Let me go."   
The man moved away silently, and James headed towards the door. 

"They'll put you under if they catch you," Steve Rogers said, making James pause, "And they'll make me do the dirty work."   
"Let them try," James said, his voice flattening again, "Ain't nothin' compared to HYDRA."  
"Bucky-"  
"Rogers, I ain't Bucky," James snarled, glaring back as the other man visibly flinched, "May have been him in the past, but ain't him any more. Will never be. I don't trust you, and you shouldn't trust me. That clear to you?" With that, he opened the door.  
"They'll put you under and they'll put Mr. Stark under as well, Bucky."   
James shook his head slightly and shut the door, silently slid open a window at the end of the empty hospital hallway and jumped out. 

-

"You are a tool. You are not to feel."  
Tony had a pile of unspoken words, but he kept staring into the man's eyes.   
Didn't have a choice, to be honest, his head was adjusted in some kind of an old-styled machine that could fry his brain at any moment.   
"You are a tool. You are not to feel."

This was disorientating.  
A sharp stab in his head made him jerk, and the man in front of him kept repeating. "You are not who you think you are. You do not help. You only serve. You are a tool. You are not to feel."   
Disorientating was the biggest understatement of the year.

Kept repeating over and over.  
Didn't know what was what anymore.  
Who was...  
Who.  
No one.  
Who was no one.  
What did that make him?

"You are a tool. You are not to feel."   
_Don't. It's a method, you know it you damned idiot, don't-_  
"You are a tool. You are not to feel." 

A tool.  
That was a solid answer for him.  
Didn't matter anymore. 

_Don't let him leave. Don't forget about James-_

Who was he?

-

Age 39

James silently assessed the situation, watched as an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D take out a soldier.  
Sloppy.

He reluctantly turned away, started down a hallway that was all-too familiar to him. " _Bucky, you there?_ "   
Something in his ear buzzed, and James almost jumped.   
Oh, intercom.

If James could recall, Steve Rogers had somehow managed to convince some of S.H.I.E.L.D to assist James. At first he had refused, hated the idea of working together with an agency he didn't trust, but he was smart enough to know that he couldn't do it alone. HYDRA was even more sufficient and hidden than S.H.I.E.L.D, he'd need to help he could get. 

1 year.  
The fact that he had been sitting next to Anthony at one point seemed surreal and almost too long.

And now he was there, in front of a door which could possibly have Anthony in it.  
He swallowed hard and muttered, "I'm in front of the door. Breaching door in 3, 2, 1."   
A loud slam, a few puffs of dust, and James could see a silhouette in the corner of the room, teetering from side to side with something in its hand.  
A low, dim light from the machine in the silhouette's chest gave the room a blue hue, and he could make out the lines of his face.   
"Anthony?" 

Anthony looked up, a screw clenched firmly, and his mouth opened, then closed.  
Eyes went wide and the man silently cried out, fell to his side and curled up in a tight ball. 

James rushed to his side, yelled into the com for medical attention right away, and placed a hand on Anthony's face, rubbed his cheek. "Anthony," he whispered, "It's alright. I won't hurt you. I am not the enemy." 

"Don't hurt me," the man whispered, pushing away weakly but not enough for James to move away, "Please, I won't do it again. Please."   
James shook his head and helped the man up in a sitting position and brushed strands of hair away. "Anthony, look at me."   
The man's eyes shot up, panic and fear filling the usual eyes oozing with confidence, and he could see something was wrong.  
No pupils.  
"Anthony, it's me."  
The man kept staring, and James pulled him closer desperately. "Please relax. You're scaring me."  
Anthony was tense, but he didn't push away. He was trembling.

Perhaps it was the fact that he needed something that reminded him of actual hope, because Anthony clung onto him, still no recognition on his face, but clung on and didn't let go. "Don't hurt me," he mumbled, his head dangerously starting to droop, "Don't..." 

The fact that Anthony didn't recognize him made James go cold. 

-

He didn't know.  
But it was warm.   
Warm.  
Warm.  
He had forgotten what warm was like. 

He still didn't see anything, could only hear and feel the fabric and mutterings of the person that was holding him, but something was terribly familiar, too comforting and it scared him. He was not to feel, he was- he was-  
Who was he? 

Panic ceased him again, and he let out a pathetic sob.   
He hadn't felt like this before, only felt numb, but he felt scared.  
He couldn't remember anything, didn't know where he was or who he was, didn't know where he had come from or where he had wanted to go.

But something about the person holding him closely screamed home at him, something about the person holding told him love.  
So he clung on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Hiding under table while whistling loudly and innocently*


	16. Age 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter. I guess. READ THE END NOTES, IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

Age 40

James pushed the small door open and stepped through.  
Anthony flinched and pulled his knees up, curled up and covered his head as he slid himself into the corner of the bed in the quiet room. "It's me," James murmured, sitting on the edge of the bed and reaching out with his flesh hand to put a hand on Anthony's cheek.

The other man's blank, hazel eyes wandered around, trying to target something, and James brought Anthony's hand up to his face. "Are you doing okay?" James asked, chuckling as Anthony groped blindly at his metal arm. "Anthony," he prompted, and the other man tilted his head and curled his fingers and gripped one metal finger. Anthony nodded slightly, then shook his head, and stopped as if to consider what to say.  
Which he didn't say anything, but James had expected it. 

2 months had passed since the rescue, and Anthony was showing no signs of improvement other than around James.  
He constantly struggled with _something_ that James couldn't figure out, and he reacted badly around other people.  
Badly was sugar coating it, it was more as if everyone but James was someone who was going to kill Anthony. 

He let out a huff when Anthony leaned onto his shoulder with a silent sigh, and James turned his metal hand to intertwine fingers. "Anthony, what happened back in the base?" James asked gently, shaking his head when Anthony shifted and uncomfortably started to avert his eyes as if saying no. "Anthony, please?" The man's eyes snapped up at James' face, or, around his face, and he shook his head quickly. "If I promise you something, would you tell me?" James prompted, and Anthony shrugged his shoulders subtly. 

"I won't let anyone come near you if you tell me," James said, "Not even for a check up. Does that sound good to you?"  
Anthony puffed out his cheeks but nodded reluctantly, but it was more of a jerky chin movement. 

Instead of speaking, he started to tap on James' hand, and recognized the patterns of Morse code.

.. .----. -- / ... -.-. .- .-. . -..  
_I'm scared._

Oh.

"What are you scared of, Anthony?" James asked quietly, sliding his free arm around Anthony's waist.

\- .... . --  
_Them._

"Who's them, love?" 

A pause.

\- .... . / -- . -. / .-- .... --- / - --- --- -.- / -- .  
_The men who took me._

"HYDRA?"

-.-- . ...  
_Yes._

"What did they do to you?"

\- .... . -.-- / - --- --- -.- / -- -.-- / - .... --- ..- --. .... - ... / .- .-- .- -.--  
_They took my thoughts away._

A chill ran down James' spine, and he continued, "Can you remember anything? Do you remember me?"

-.-- --- ..- / .-. . -- .. -. -.. / -- . / --- ..-. / ... --- -- . - .... .. -. --. / .. / -.. --- -. .----. - / .-. . -- . -- -... . .-.  
_You remind me of something that I don't remember._

"Is that a good thing, Anthony?"

.. - / -- .- -.- . ... / -- . / ..-. . . .-.. / ... .- -..  
_It makes me feel sad._

"Why does it make you feel sad, love? Is there a reason?"

Anthony shrugged, but his hands betrayed his nonchalant look.  
-... . -.-. .- ..- ... . / .. / .-- .- -. - / - --- / .-. . -- . -- -... . .-.  
_Because I want to remember._

"Do you think you can remember, doll?"

.. / .-. . -- . -- -... . .-. / --- -. . / - .... .. -. --.  
_I remember one thing._

"What do you remember?"

\- .... .- - / .. / .-.. --- ...- . -.. / -.-- --- ..- / .- -. -.. / - .... .- - / .. / .-- .- -. - . -.. / - --- / -. --- - / ..-. --- .-. --. . -  
_That I loved you and that I wanted to not forget._

"Not forget what?" James swallowed and pulled Anthony closer, pressed his nose to Anthony's dark brown locks.

\- .... .- - / -.-- --- ..- / .-- . .-. . / - .... . / --- -. .-.. -.-- / --- -. . / .-- .... --- / -.-. --- ..- .-.. -.. / -- .- -.- . / .. - / -... . - - . .-.  
_That you were the only one who could make it better._

James pressed his lips to Anthony's forehead and let out a small breath. "Maybe," James murmured, "Do you want to get better, Anthony?"

There was a long pause, a long pause which Anthony used to look up and peck at James' cheek. It made him smile a little bit, as if he was proud, and James smiled back although he couldn't see it. 

.. / -.. --- -. .----. - / -.- -. --- .-- / -... ..- - / .. / - .... .. -. -.- / .. / -.. ---  
_I don't know but I think I do._

That was good enough for James.  
He'd get Anthony back. 

He knew he could. All it took was a bit of time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UH, UH, SEQUEL COMING SOON? 
> 
> The support on this one was absolutely stunning. Thank you all so much, and just a little preface of the sequel; It's about restoring Tony's memories and about James remembering more things about Bucky, and bonding with Steve just a bit more, learning to trust and learning to teach Tony to trust.
> 
> But, of course, what's a story when there's no problems?  
> Maybe like Tony actually being forced to keep quiet about something under the influence of new HYDRA technology-
> 
> BYE
> 
> (P.S I'll update this with the link to the sequel after I publish the first chapter.)
> 
> OH, HERE IT IS. First chapter of the sequel is out. http://archiveofourown.org/works/7184759/chapters/16306415

**Author's Note:**

> See ya!


End file.
